Saturday, January 11, 2014

stepping into light

It's fascinating to live in a time when I feel a very important part of history is unfolding.  Not knowing where it will end up, but perhaps having a vague sense.  The unexpected twists and turns that in the moment are assumed to be more telling and final than they probably will actually end up being.  The twists and turns that aren't given all that much attention or importance that will probably end up being pivotal and historic in hindsight.  

Sometimes I lose patience because what's unfolding, being hotly debated in courthouses, and statehouses and churches is such an intimate and powerful part of who I am.  It’s what has opened me up to living, loving and to feeling a sense of the power and mystery of the Divine.  Accepting it and listening to what it has to say about who I am has shifted life from drab gray to color.  I feel more love, compassion and understanding for others, even if I’m not always good at outwardly expressing it or often let the aforementioned lack of patience color it in ways that can serve to diminish it.  My heart more easily breaks open though to give and receive love. 

These days it seems that rather than being a very obvious heavenly transmission of specific information, revelation starts more as a vague sense of a thing.  Reactions follow based on that vague sense, with adjustments along the way, until gradually something beautiful emerges from dark into light.  That initial thought or impression might be headed towards something holy, but has to be gradually and patiently coaxed from the shadows so that it’s full shape, texture and color can eventually be seen.  As it slowly emerges, the temptation is to jump to conclusions after seeing only part of or one side of the truth in half light. If then stubbornly held to, these premature conclusions can pause or slow the emergence of the full and complete truth, leaving broad swaths of people feeling orphaned by the plan proposed to save them.

I wanted to have the family that was prescribed for me.  I wanted my life to unfold in the way I thought it would and that everyone around me expected it to.  It didn’t though, and it couldn’t.  As heartbreaking as it can be to have my hopes and dreams unfulfilled, it’s helped me see that they were only ever the hopes and dreams of others.  It helped me see that although living towards those goals wasn’t necessarily bad, living towards them in the way that was expected of me was like living in half light.  Dating women left me ultimately feeling empty and numb, even if I enjoyed the friendships.  Looking back, I’m guessing the women I dated might report feeling a similar lack of something in the relationship. 

Coming to the realization that marrying a woman couldn’t happen for me is when I felt like a cosmic orphan.  But like I hinted at before, becoming that orphan is what opened me up to living in a way that felt more aligned with who I am.  It’s when my life started to emerge from the shadows and began to have resonance and rhythm and spirit.  That moment when it feels like you’ve lost everything can be the moment you realize you can create anything.  I began to realize that I could create a life and a family that could allow me to give and receive love and be challenged to learn and grow in ways that the life and family that was expected of me couldn’t.  It’s when I took a few more steps into light.

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