empathy for the lived experience

My friend Krisanne just posted something lovely about empathy on her blog that got me thinking.  Her post was a result of listening to the RadioWest interview that Kendall did back in December with Doug Fabrizio.  Her post isn't long, so go read it.  You should actually be following her blog anyway because that girl serves it up Krisanne style.  By that, I mean you will always feel like you are sitting around a crackling fire with those you love, drinking something warm while you all bare the most beautiful parts of your souls to each other.

Anyway, here's part of what Krisanne said on her blog:

After letting this interview stew for 24 hours, I've come to the conclusion that I would do well in taking a page from the book of Kendall. It is easy for me to demonize those who don't think like I do or to dismiss their beliefs as less evolved. It is a breeze for me to cling to ideologies and worship at the altar of liberalism instead of really sitting for a time with those with whom I disagree (mostly conservative Republicans. Ha!). Really, how prideful of me. That sort of attitude does nothing in progressing the cause of empathy. It doesn't mean that I can't speak up for what I feel is right or good or true. It just means that I should avoid snorting and sighing audibly when other people disagree with me. It really means that I could do better at seeking to understand the lived experience of everyone, especially those who see things very differently than I do.


I got to thinking about why it is so damn hard to seek to understand people with whom we disagree strongly.  I think part of it is that seeking to understand feels a lot like you are allowing yourself to validate and agree with that person, which in turn feels like you are killing off a part of yourself and your identity by giving it over to understanding the other person's lived experience.  That is a scary space to allow yourself to visit.  What if you come out of it with some of your key beliefs and assumptions turned upside down?  What if, heaven forbid, the experience leaves you feeling love towards this person you despise?


I realize the process of empathy is much easier to talk about than to employ in every day life.  Sometimes the other person returns nothing but hate and vitriol.  Sometimes we are awkward in our seeking to show empathy and come off sounding condescending.  The process is riddled with land mines.  I think it's where we start though.  And even though seeking to have feelings of empathy doesn't always lead to empathetic behavior, I believe that's where it starts.  It's very possible to have empathetic feelings not lead to empathetic behavior, but I think it's virtually impossible to have the behavior take place without having the feelings first.  


I believe the idea of the atonement is the ultimate example of empathy.  Christ allowed himself to visit and feel the lived experience of anyone who had or would ever live.  Through doing that, he didn't destroy who he was, but lifted everyone and allowed them to become better than they otherwise would be and he became Savior.  Each of us has the opportunity to do the some small portion of that for everyone around us.  How else are we to become more like the Divine?


It reminds me of my favorite quote.  I've posted it on this blog several times and I'm posting it again.


By size I mean the stature of [your] soul, the range and depth of [your] love, [your] capacity for relationships. I mean the volume of life you can take into your being and still maintain your integrity and individuality, the intensity and variety of outlook you can entertain in the unity of your being without feeling defensive or insecure. I mean the strength of your spirit to encourage others to become freer in the development of their diversity and uniqueness. I mean the power to sustain more complex and enriching tensions. I mean the magnanimity of concern to provide conditions that enable others to increase in stature.  --Bernard Loomer

meditations on Downton Abbey love

I meditated this morning.  It's been a while.  I went on a meditation retreat a few weeks ago, but other than that, it's been a while since I sat down and meditated.  I like to do it in the morning after I shower, but lately sleep has won out.  I fell asleep fairly early last night and was wide awake at 5:45.  So I meditated.

One of the things that I like about meditation is that if you are failing at it, you can still be doing it right.  The idea is that you sit still and empty your mind of all thoughts.  You leave the past in the past and the future in the future and you focus on your body and breathing here and now.  It usually takes me a while to completely quiet my mind.  It's hard to not think about anything at all.  We're all so addicted to thinking.  The meditating can still be a useful exercise though, when I pay attention to what the tentacles of my mind are grasping at.  When I sit still and manage to clear my mind for a minute or two, what bubbles up?  What do my grasping mind tentacles tell me about myself? 

Also, I have a boyfriend.  It just kind of happened fairly unexpectedly.  I've known of him for at least a couple of years, but we came in contact again in October, the month in which we were both born.  It was one of those things where circumstances allowed both of us to see each other in a different light.  The development of the relationship has been about as easy as walking into a gorgeous, dimly lit room.  You just walk in and have a vague sense that there's something beautiful about the room and it's confirmed as the sun gradually rises and light floods the room and you are somehow both surprised and not surprised to realize how beautiful and comfortable it is.  Like the curling-up-on-the-couch-together-on-a-Sunday-evening-eating-delicious-Valentine's-popcorn-and-watching-Downton-Abbey kind of beautiful and comfortable.  That's me and Ryan.